The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
