hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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