Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
