I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
