My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
