foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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