I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
