I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
