i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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