just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
