i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
