..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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