I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Randomize
