i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
