Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The uberlube is also flammable
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
