Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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