Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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