I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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