I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
