Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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