Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
