In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
