I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
