I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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