How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
