How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
