Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I use my feet as sexual weapons
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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