she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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