Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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