I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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