I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
