take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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