I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
