I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
