Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
