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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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