Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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