That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Dicks are not precious.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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