I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
