she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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