nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
