If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
