i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
