the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
