i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
