if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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