You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
