guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
