I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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