Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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