HIV tests are more positive than that guy
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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